


I want to be held by you

by Froschkoenig



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Niall-centric, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 08:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Froschkoenig/pseuds/Froschkoenig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall knows the other boys are kind of dating... he feels left out and lonely and starts to think about how to make them love him... maybe if he'd be more like them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I want to be held by you

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this little piece of fluff. I like it... if you find any misspellings or something, feel free to tell me :)

_I want to be held by you_

 

Niall knew they were fucking. He just knew. First it wasn't all that obvious, but in the end he wondered how he could ever have missed it. 

It was like they all changed bit after bit and now they were living in their own little world. He saw them touch or just look at each other and sometimes he was sure he just imagined things. Because he was jealous. Or simply because he felt lonely at times.

They were at their flat at the moment and Niall was tired. So, so tired to be pushed around by managers or interviewers or photographers. He hated that stuff. And the fans weren't much better. They screamed and yelled and were so, so demanding.  
It'd been awhile since he felt like a normal boy, but now he felt like he was just not capable of going on. He longed so desperately for support and love from the other boys it almost made him cry every time he looked at them.  
He knew he was safe here. Once it had been his haven. Their flat, without reporters or fans or anyone they didn't want in their lives. But now...

He sighed, pushed the door open and went to his room immediately. Zayn called after him, but he couldn't... just couldn't be around them right now. He knew they worried, but fuck it, he was the one who was left out.  
_They_ were fooling around, or in love or whatever, and he wasn't part of it. 

It hurt. It hurt a whole fucking lot.

*

When he woke up he didn't know where he was at first. They had been touring for months and now waking up in his own bed felt strange. Niall yawned heavily and fell back into his huge pillow. He was so tired and it was only like one in the morning. But then he noticed what woke him up: He was cold. So freaking cold after a short while he started shaking. He knew it was almost summer and he shouldn't be cold right now, but his only thought was that he needed someone to keep him warm.

So he ended up walking through their dark hallway. All of the boys were sleeping, he thought, sleepily, as he walked up to Liam's room and knocked softly.

„Li?“, he whispered, but no one answered. He was probably asleep, Niall came to mind and he smiled. Liam looked so cute when he was sleeping.

So he did the only thing that made sense: He entered Liam's room silently.

„Liam? I'm so fucking cold... Can.. I mean... I just want to be held...“ 

His voice was shaking and he tried to see anything in the dark room, but when he ended begging to be cuddled by one of his best mates, he froze. First thing he noticed was: Liam wasn't asleep. And second: he wasn't alone.

„Niall?“ Liam's voice sounded raspy and almost too loud in the silence. Niall heard ruffles of clothing and then he shook his head violently. He didn't know if it was just two of the boys or all of them, and he didn't care. His head hurt and now he was even colder than before, shaking and hugging himself trying to soothe his body.

„I- I'm sorry...“ He almost fell, but in the end he managed to get to his room without crashing into the walls. He locked the door and put on headphones. He knew they'd come to talk to him. To make sure he was okay. But he wasn't. He couldn't take this anymore and he tried to find a way out of this situation. 

He could never leave the band. He loved singing. He loved the boys. They were his life.  
But he also knew he couldn't go on like this. It was breaking him and he wanted so badly to be loved that everything imaginable was okay at this point. If it meant he could keep them without it killing him slowly.  
He thought about the boys and how lovely they were, how perfect... and maybe if he changed enough they could love him too?

He grabbed a pen and paper and started writing...

*

Hours later four boys sat in their kitchen, desperate and tired.

„We should try it again...“ Harry was still optimistic, but especially Zayn was convinced they lost Niall. Not in a physical way, but it just seemed so... final. He wouldn't talk to them, and when he apologized earlier that night he sounded so sad it broke their hearts.

„Please...“ Harry wasn't crying – anymore. They were all confused and didn't know what to do. 

„We should've told him!“ Liam was irritated and exhausted, but the others just nodded. They all knew they made a mistake and now they were regretting it badly. 

„It's too late now. We have to... make it up to him. We just have to make it good again!“ Louis stood up and walked out of the room, each of them knew where he was headed. They followed but without much hope.

*

„Niall? Please open the door...“

He'd just finished and lowered his pen. He was absolutely exhausted and wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for ages. But he had to do it now. Try it now. Even if it didn't work. Even if they didn't want him.

He couldn't ignore their voices anymore, especially Harry sounded like he was crying, Zayn was almost angry, Liam desperate and Louis seemed helpless in trying to calm down the other boys and get him to come out of his room.

So when he opened his door they all seemed confused at first.

„Hey...“, he whispered sheepishly.

„Wha- 'Hey'? You greet us with a fucking 'Hey'?“ He knew Zayn was angry, but he wasn't afraid. They had the right to be angry at him.  
Liam was all over him in a second, checking if he was hurt or sick or whatever, but he needed distance now. 

„Please... I'm sorry... I can explain....“

They followed him inside his room and all sat down in a little circle on the fluffy carpet Niall loved so much. Right when he wanted to start and tell them all the things he wrote down, Louis broke down.

„We're so sorry Nialler! We just... we fell.. hard... and then we didn't know how to handle it... and then we didn't know how to tell you... or if you'd be just disgusted... if you'd hate us...“ Louis' voice was high and shaking and Niall stared at him surprised.

„I could never hate you...“

„Really? We... we really are sorry. You don't know how much...“ Liam looked at him pleadingly, but Niall shook his head.

„I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ran away. I mean.. I knew what you were doing... just... seeing it. It... hurt...“ He cleared his throat and looked at each of them.

„I.. I know it's a lot to ask for, but I... I'll try my best okay?“

Zayn lifted his eyebrows and the others also looked confused. 

„Eh.. I mean... I thought about it tonight. And I know you're in love and all... I mean, you're almost perfect, each of you... and so.. I thought I could be too... you know... but I didn't know how... so I thought about you guys...“

Harry touched his arm softly, making Niall look at him. „What are you talking about, Ni?“

He smiled sadly. „I thought... if I changed enough... that I could make you happy too...“ His head dropped because he didn't want to see their reaction. He took the papers he wrote down on earlier.

„Please, let me explain first... I know that you probably don't want me... but since I'm not really special I found myself thinking about you. Since you are special... What I like the most about you and maybe if I'd be like this, you like me too... So.. well... It's not the obvious things I love about you guys...“

He heard them inhale surprised, but Niall chose to ignore it.

„I don't think you even know it when you do it. But it just makes me fall for you harder...“ He held his breath for a few seconds to calm himself down, then he looked in Harry's face, making out nothing more but his eyes in the darkness.

„It's... I think it's your smile... not the normal one or the cheeky one you have for the fans. But the one that reaches your eyes and you beam and glow with.. I don't know... utter happiness I guess. It's fairly rare, but I love it. It's just dimples and wide eyes and I feel like I can look into your soul because at that one moment you're just seeing me and nothing else exists for a few seconds.. just as long as you smile at me like this...“

Niall bit his lip and swallowed hard. He didn't know how they would react, but Harry seemed paralyzed. So he just shifted slightly to his right and looked at Liam.

„And Liam, it's your hugs.“ Niall smiled softly. „I don't think you even know you're doing it most of the time, but it's just... you go all puppy dog eyes and just grab me and hold me so tight it hurts... And I feel like I have to squeeze back at least as hard or else you just shatter and I try it, hold onto you and don't breathe and all, but it seems like it never works and then it's over...“

Liam's eyes were wide, he knew it, but he couldn't handle any reaction right now, so he went on, looking shyly at Louis.

„Lou... it's...“ He blushed a little. „It's your fingers... that sounds weird, but it's just... sometimes you touch me.. not teasing or tickling... and I guess you think no one notices.. but you hold your breath for a few seconds and just touch my shin when we're sitting on the couch... or your fingers just trace my jawline and it tickles just a little but I try hard not to move because it's so precious... it's like your fingertips try to remember every inch of my body...“

Niall shuddered just from speaking about it, and he knew Louis wanted to say something... he seemed struck by lightning, his eyes bright and weirdly hopeful. But he wasn't finished yet, so he turned to Zayn, who looked pretty expectant.

„And... you... well... it's your kisses...“ Niall's voice was soft and a little scared. „Not the stage kisses... I mean the kisses that barely touch any skin... they're coming out of nowhere and I just sit or stand still and try to enjoy them as much as possible... like the silent humming sound just before your lips touch my neck or cheeks or forehead... And I simply feel completely safe for a second...“

Niall tried to calm down and not to look at his band mates, he felt excited and sad, and purely exhausted, like he just gave everything he had. Which he probably did.

„Well and every time these things happen I try to remember these feelings for the rest of my life. I don't know if you even recall doing these things. Or if you do them to each other... I think you do... and I don't know if you enjoy them as much as I do... But I... I just think they are perfect. You are perfect and it makes me so unbelievable happy to be with you guys... and when I saw you earlier... I just wanted to be part of your.. relationship I guess. But I don't... I don't know how to make you happy... I don't want to be selfish, I know there's a reason I'm not part of it. But I just hoped... I hoped I could...“ 

He sobbed silently and pressed his hand over his mouth, but he knew the others heard it. It felt good to tell each of them what made them so special to him, but it still hurt a lot. It felt a little like he was wounded, vulnerable to them, to every move they made.

„You don't understand anything, do you?“ Louis voice was almost teasing, but Niall couldn't laugh. Didn't they understand what he just did?

„Oh Niall, you're so cute...“ Harry's hand reached out and touched his hair softly. „Cute and stupid, that is...“ He was pulled into a hug and just curled up as much as he could, trying hard not to cry. Liam's arms were wrapped tightly around him and he could feel the others snuggle closer.  
His mind was racing but there was one thing he repeated over and over again: Please, never let me go... never let go.. hold me... 

He felt Zayn press a kiss onto the skin of his neck. Not a soft touchy one, but a real one. And then, when he thought he'd fall apart, Louis lifted his face with his hands. Niall looked into his eyes, and he seemed so serious. All of them did.

„We love each other. We really do. And you just gave us a terrific present when you told us about the things you love about us. Because we love them about each other as well. We just never really appreciated them as much as you do.“ Liam smiled at him lovingly and Niall felt as if he was dreaming. 

„What Liam is trying to say is that you don't have to try to be like one of us to be loved by us. Don't you know how special you are?“ Louis reached out and had to push Zayn away a little to touch Niall's face gently. „You're precious, Nialler...“

Zayn and Harry nodded, even though Zayn was a little pissed at Lou for pushing him away.  
Harry scooted even closer.

„You know what's your thing? The one that makes our hearts race and makes us smile and feel giddy?“

Niall swallowed hard and shook his head. Harry just laughed happily. „It's your eyes... when you look at us and think we don't notice... they light up like stars... sometimes you look at us so lovingly.. like you need us so much to hold you, touch you, never let you go... and for a second you look so vulnerable... and we just want to press you against us and kiss you and make you feel loved...“ Harry smiled at him, but Zayn pressed between their bodys, grinning.

„You don't need to change, Nialler... every time you look at us we know how much you care for us and that's enough to make us happy... just to touch you makes us happy... Because we love you... and we were just too stupid to tell you...“  
Zayn's eyes were earnest, but his lips were smiling. And Niall felt like he just won the lottery and walked on the moon and it felt almost like he couldn't contain so much happiness at once. They loved him!

And as Liam pressed him to his chest, and Harry whispered sweet and reassuring things into his ears and Louis played dreamily with his hair, he knew that now everything would be alright. He'd make them happy.  
And when Zayn slowly came closer and pressed a kiss on his lips softly, he knew he'd never be alone again, because he was loved...


End file.
